First date
(Saturday afternoon. At Liverpool Road Station, inside the Museum of Science and Industry, Manchester)
TOM: So, how do you like it?
ALICE: Shit, rain. Do you have an umbrella?
TOM: No. But I have a hood!
ALICE: But I don’t. Where are we going? Let’s stay in the Museum!
TOM: We are right there. Here we go. This… is where it all started: modern inland transportation.
ALICE: I didn’t know we invented the wheel.
TOM: I mean, this was the first passenger railway station on the Planet. They opened it in September 1830, and by 1831, more than 2,000 passengers used the trains every day to go to Liverpool.” The only thing I don’t get is why they chose Liverpool. Such a boring place.
ALICE: Tom, I am from Liverpool. We moved here only three months ago.
TOM: Uhmm… there were the docks weren’t they? After all, Manchester opened its ship canal only in 1894.So, I guess they went to see people just… off the sea. And bankers! Liverpool had more bankers than Manchester that time and the cotton tycoons needed insurance!
ALICE: I know, I study finance. What the hell are we doing here?
TOM: These, just under your feet, were the first railway tracks! Stevenson’s locomotives started the business. Later, they even held a race here between two carrier companies to decide who will service the line! Two locomotives without carriages started from there, the other end of the court. The finish line was set there, at the yellow fence.
ALICE: Cool. So why did we come here?
TOM: You know, Alice… listen. (he steps to Alice). I though you liked… history. Don’t you?
ALICE (recoils a bit): Yeah, and I do like smart guys. Everyone does.
(Tom tries to kiss her, but she slips out of his way)
ALICE: So we go in? (goes in to station building leaves Tom behind). This, I guess, was a shopping area. Or a restaurant? It’s like we were on the set of Titanic!
TOM (reluctantly): Yeah. Downstairs was… the booking office.
(They descend the stairs and enter the adjacent room. The room is full of installations, visitors watch a documentary about British railway history. Alice enters the room, she recognizes a tall, stubbly, dark-haired guy, Ben, who slumps into a chair staring at the screen. He looks bored. Alice runs toward him and taps his shoulder gently)
ALICE: Ben! Gosh, you here? You were gone so early last Monday from Christy’s house party! What’s up?
BEN: Hiya Alice, how is it goin’? Sorry, I got lost early, we dropped in on another girl’s house up in Dale Street. Who’s this mate?
ALICE: Ben, this is Tom, we met in class last week at Uni and came for… sort of a teambuilding. Tom, this is Ben, I met him last week at Christy’s party.
TOM: Hi Ben.
BEN: Cheers, mate! So, you guys seen the railway track up there? This clip says it was the first in England!
TOM(deadpans) : The first on the Planet.
BEN: Ayeah, so, the first on the Planet. All this stuff around was used back then. There’s a uniform, see, Alice? And those maquettes? Those were the trains. The first railway! Did you guys know all this?
ALICE: We just found it out ourselves! So cool to see you here! What brings you to a Museum on Saturday?
BEN: You know, I always loved history (gently puts his arm around Alice as they go through the ’Making Manchester’ collection) You know, where you come from, so you know where you’re going. It’s like being an artist you know… you contemplate the chaos around you and… you want something you can grab. Something that is fix and solid and doesn’t change. For me, this is history. And Manchester, always one of the most privileged cities of England!
TOM: Except that it did not have a Council or representation before the 1830’s, and it wasn’t called a ’city’ before 1853…
BEN (doesn’t notice Tom): Here was the industrial revolution, the first steam…boats, engines! And while in London, the Nazis bombed the past to ground zero, the proud Manchester…
TOM (muttering, barely audible):… the proud Manchester was bombed to shit.
ALICE: Yes, it is all in front of your eyes, sooo amazing. D’you want to have a cider?
BEN (slides his arm down Alice’s back and grabs her hip): Sure, let’s go to Cornerhouse. They always have some art on the first floor. Mate, you comin’ along?
TOM (wryly): No, I don’t think so, maybe… next time.
ALICE: Thanks so much Tom, it was a cool… afternoon. So you come with us next time right?
TOM: Yeah. See you.
(Tom turns at heels and strides to the toilet. He does his business in the cubicle and when he comes out, notices Ben pissing into the pissoir.)
BEN: Ah, Tim, Yawright Mate?
(He zips up, and taps Tom’s shoulder while passing behind him at the sink, heading to the exit)
BEN (jauntily): Mate, just one thing. Girls like smart guys. Next time, bring your date to an exhibition or something. She will love it. Cheers!
Bank Account
(True story)
BANK ASSISTANT: Good Morning, are you alright?
STUDENT: Uhmm… yes. Thank you.
BANK ASSISTANT: And how can I help you?
STUDENT: I would like to open a bank account.
BANK ASSISTANT: Thank you.
STUDENT: Thank for what?
BANK ASSISTANT: Thank you for wanting to join us.
STUDENT: No worries. So… I arrived to the UK two weeks ago, and…
BANK ASSISTANT: What kind of banking services are you looking for? Checkbook, credit card, monthly interest-free overdraft? Online banking? Personal banking? Personal loan? Mobile top-ups through standing order?
STUDENT: ….Uhmm… I just want an account. Debit card and online banking. But I am from Hungar…
BANK ASSISTANT: Thank you! May I recommend our ’Silver Select’ account? Debit card, a 30-pound monthly overdraft, online banking and free cash withdrawal three times a week? There is no monthly account fee!
STUDENT: …Ummm… great. That will do, I think.
BANK ASSISTANT: Thank you, that’s great news!
STUDENT: Can I open it now?
BANK ASSISTANT: You can apply for an account immediately. If you do it online.
STUDENT: Isn’t it something we could do here and now?
BANK ASSISTANT: No, Sir. But I can give you an appointment for next week.
STUDENT: Perfect.
BANK ASSISTANT: 3 pm next Tuesday, is it alright with you?
STUDENT: Yes. That is good.
BANK ASSISTANT: Thank you. My colleague, Sean will call you beforehand, just to make sure the date is fine.
STUDENT: What documents do I need to open an account?
BANK ASSISTANT: I am sorry… which country you said you were from?
STUDENT: Hungary.
BANK ASSISTANT: Oh, yes, I am sorry. Do you have a passport?
STUDENT: Yes.
BANK ASSISTANT: That’s perfect. All you need is your passport and a proof of your address in the UK. Utility bills, Council Tax bill, a document with your NI-number… with your name and address indicated on it.
STUDENT: I have none of those. The bills are going to come in two months. And, since I am a student, I am exempt from Council Tax. But I have a tenancy agreement, signed by the landlord! Here it is… this proves that I live under this address. And I have a letter from the university stating that that I am their student.
BANK ASSISTANT: I am sorry, but we cannot accept these as proof of residence. Have you been to your local council yet?
STUDENT: I have phoned them and they said they could put me onto the electoral register, but that’s all they could do, and it would also take a month.
BANK ASSISTANT: Sorry sir. Then I am afraid I cannot help you.
STUDENT: How about the university? Can they prove my address?
BANK ASSISTANT: I am afraid we can only accept that if you stay at a university residence.
STUDENT: I live in a flatshare… but I am holding a legally binding document that says I live under this address!
BANK ASSISTANT: I am very sorry, but this type of document does not appear in my database.
STUDENT: Does this mean that I cannot have a bank account at all?
BANK ASSISTANT: Of course you can! But you will need to prove your address. I am sorry.
(Student furiously turns from counter and starts towards the door when a mid-aged, stocky, stubbly, red-haired man steps in his way.)
STUDENT (angrily): What do you want?
GUY (with a cheeky smile): Nothin’ moch. Just to help youu. Mi mate had the same problem. Bo’ then he bought two packets o’ condoms on Amazon and go ’em shipped it to his oddress in Old’am. Had his name on the bill. Next day, he went to the bonk and go’ his account. Since, we keep tellin’ him: you basta’d, you really focked the bank! So cheers Mate!
Make Nature your second nature – in Fallowfield Secret Garden
The message of Fallowfield Secret Garden is simple: grow your own veggies, meet new people and help plant the seeds for sustainable community life.
Since we immersed ourselves with TV series, laptops and smartphones, we have forgotten the meaning and importance of gardens. Be it a classy patio Alan Titchmarsh style or a Monty Don-esque, earth-scented backyard with lush beetroot beds – a garden improves your life expectancy in two ways. First, it makes you live longer. Second, it makes you enjoy each week of your new, longer life more than you enjoyed the weeks of your old, possibly shorter one. This Truth dawned on me in Fallowfield last Saturday when I attended Garden Feast in a new community hub: the Fallowfield Secret Garden.
The Fallowfield Secret Garden lies on a patch of land tucked away behind middle-class houses on Wilbraham Road. It is a bit of a secret indeed – it took me several turns on the street to finally stumble upon the narrow entrance with the makeshift notice boards that invite people inside. The 20-yard walk in the narrow corridor that led to the Garden was, in a sense, a journey back in time. The England of high-profile consumerism, level-trimmed lawns and sterile design cafés couldn’t be further away from the Garden’s reality. Instead of all that, the party recalled an open-air community gathering from the Seventies: laid-back, friendly and most positively odd.
In the garden, a group of about 30 people (and three dogs) were, it seemed, having a good time. Some stood or paced around measuring up the place; others sat in plastic chairs, on small bales of straw or on a lipstick-red leather sofa installed next to the fence. Some held to their cups of soup or drink, others joined the impromptu jam session on guitars, drums and keyboard. At the same time, some volunteers kept working away with their spades and tape-measures on in a dug-up circle – the foundation of a new roundhouse as I later learned. Some people came in fancy dress – I saw a pirate outfit and pairs of puff, motley trousers. Members of ‘Action for Sustainable Living’ were recruiting volunteers. It was the kind of company in which you could approach and address anyone at any time, yet no one would label you a fool if you just decided to dawdle alone. Most of them were local residents but I met people who came from as far as London – not specifically for this event, but they still chose to have tea on a bale of straw instead of hanging out in some swanky bar during this time of their visit. Children and adolescents, young graduates, students, mature professionals, elderly couples – the Garden community defied social pigeonholes.
One half of the land is already a functioning garden where neatly arranged raised beds teem with common vegetables: leek, cauliflower, potatoes, beetroot, onion… even a few stalks of maize stick out of the black soil, sharing the bed with a spindly apple tree. In the middle of the lot stands a nice wooden shed behind which our bikes were parked in jaunty confusion. The other half of the garden is still a construction site. Large clusters of logs (the area was once totally overgrown), gardening tools, and heaps of soil and construction debris occupy this chunk of the land. Yet there is already plenty of space for children in the sandbox and a shady jungle-gym. Apparently, the bigger part of the garden is still in transition and full of potential.
The Fallowfield Secret Garden Project is a great example of how far you can get with your own determination and the involvement of a community. This lot was a forlorn jungle until 2012 when a local tenant, Mark Roberts discovered it almost by chance. Since he secured the land as a donation from City South in 2012, he has invested a lot of time and energy into the Secret Garden Community Project as managing director. He and his closest troops took training in permaculture and community project management in order to pick up the necessary know-how.
They cut the first piece of turf about 19 months ago. First, they took down most of the jungle to win back the land area. Then, with the help of local residents and organisations like ‘The Challenge Network’ and Action for Sustainable Living, they built the raised beds – and planted the seeds of a new community life. Surveying the work on the new roundhouse, Mark Roberts explained their future building projects: apart from the roundhouse they are preparing to build a playground, a log cabin, a pond, a classroom, a small stage and an open kitchen area. Both labour and building materials come in the form of donations and grants, and this way of development calls for patience. “The new facilities should be built in the next 2-3 years” – Mark explained.
Yet, progress is constant and each new site adds new functions to the Secret Garden. Accordingly, the goals are plenty: to have people grow their own veggies here in a sustainable manner; to provide children a safe place to play outdoors and experience nature; and to build a tight local community through a series of events, BBQs and music in the open-air. Gavin, one of the front-liners of the Project, has a name for it all: Social Sustainability.
After making life hell for both the myopic and the sceptical heroes in Candide, Voltaire finally let its characters find a peace of mind in a garden. For life in the garden is simple: hard work yields its fruit. At the same time, the gardener gets its daily refill of sustainable fuels: leaves, company, and crisp air. It seems that even in leafy Fallowfield, just a stone-throw away from Platt Fields Park, this experience is very much in demand. Especially among those who think it is time to ditch Farmville and do something real.
The Fallowfield Secret Garden
Address: 86 Wilbraham Road, Fallowfield (little passage between two ordinary houses)
Open: Saturdays 11-4
Free entry
Manchester Moments 